Twilight. The Vampires that suck, really suck.

By - 1290
No Comments

Hey its Ky here with my random rant. Every so often one of the WICID! Editorial people (mainly grumpy old me) will have a random rant, about anything. Films, music, pizza, anything we want to rant about.

So what’s today’s rant? Twilight. The Vampires that suck, really suck.

Summary: twilight and the saga is a pointless, random unvampireish skittle filled waste of reading and watching space (gets attacked at this point by a mob of twilight fans)

So what’s twilight about. Typical teenage romance. Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy, boy is a vampire. Vampire eats girl. Wait that’s not right, oh yeah they fall in love and date (boring) I much prefer the eating bit, hey Bella would make a great ginger snap. So how does Bella with the personality of a grasshopper meet Mr. Potato head? Edward- Patterson’s head is oddly shaped, so yeah Mr. Potato head. (Sorry for all you PIXAR fans who thought I was talking about toy story 3). She goes to a school sits by him, he pretends to hate, her and avoids her blah blah blah I’m so bored by this point I’ve eaten all the popcorn an thrown my milkshake at the kid with the purple hair (by accident), then her friend tells him Edward’s a vampire and she believes him, I mean sure its not like you don’t have a dozen or so vampires in your school right? Although a few of my teachers have a set of fangshmmm

So they date, and meet the family, etc, then disaster strikes when a vampire shows up who wants to kill Bella, well the disaster is the fact that he fails.  Anyway there’s this whole massive vampire fight that you don’t see, yeah that’s right, they don’t show the most exciting part of the filmand that’s twilight- they go live happily ever after (till the pointless sequel that throws a dog into the cast).

And if twilight was bad enough along comes the twilight saga: new moon the film where NOTHING HAPPENS.

I have to say having seen the trailer I would never ever have guessed the main plot was Jacob as a dog, I mean werewolf, its not like the trailer showed him transform. The plot is always too obvious, vampires, werewolves, the characters are flat and uninteresting, and seriously Bella would be more alive if they replaced her with a noodle. And the action just isn’t there. The few seconds where something could happen, (the fight with bad vampire and Edward in the first film, and the experience in Italy in the second) it doesn’t happen.

Of course I notice that half naked boys are plentiful in the filmno prizes for guessing which gender these films are aimed at
Ok so I get that it’s a “Vampire romance” but seriously where is the romance? Bella and Edward couldn’t look more wooden, replace Edward with a piece of MDF and besides lack of a weird haircut I doubt anyone would notice.

I’m going to draw out the plot of the twilight saga:

Looks like twilight saga had budget cuts. I actually wanted a refund after going out buying the books and watching the movie in the hope it might be better than the book. So lets introduce the better twilight :

THE TWILIGHT LARGER NEW MOON
A better version of twilight in which something actually happens. Bella discovers Jacob is a wereduck and Edward gets ripped apart in Italy, etc, trailer coming soon

So what’s better the saga or larger? I think alcoholics anonymous would vote my way, I mean Jacob makes a quacking duck (yeah I had to say thatI’m as lame as welltwilight)

If you want a real vampire film try:
Interview with the Vampire
The Lost Boys
Bram Strokers Dracula
Let the Right one In/Let me In
or anything but twilight.

Article by Ky

GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?

All Articles