The fan. A mighty household appliance or an endless bounty of questions and enigmas worthy of even the finest of our minds today? Whether it be a sturdy fan at a mere height of 2 feet or at an impressive stature of 4 feet on par with a child or a small teenager, it holds many queries. You see, the first of the fans arsenal of wind speeds is of course nil, zero, false, off. The second is stage 1, true, on, for those of us whose need for cooling is not urgent and could easily be administered over a period of 5 minutes without any major repercussions. Next is Mk. 2, mild, moderate, medium, 1-2 chillis, for those that need a wind speed that can be compared to the speed of a spider when uncovered from the back of a coffee table, while trying to find an old magazine that you’ve been saving, in order to use a money saving voucher that you left in there, because you thought you might lose it if you cut it out at an earlier date. Finally, we reach stage 3, maximum, ultimate, grande, for those who require nothing short of a hurricane within their homes or place of work, those who require ultimate wind speeds for next-gen drying capabilities. Only a fool chooses this setting.
When attempting to approach a fan, some may be puzzled, frightened, confused by the bewildering choices available to them and so they should be. Frightening questions such as: when choosing setting 2 from 0, does the fan spend more time spinning up or is the rotational acceleration simply more than from setting 0 to 1? What does that pin actually fall into when pressure is applied to it accidentally when someone walks past the fan? If I put my finger through the cage is there enough room for me to actually touch the blades? Why haven’t I seen the manufacturer of my fan in any other location? Do they exclusively manufacture fans? Is that a profitable market? Why, when there’s such an obvious niche in the market, is there no stage 4? Why does the fan selfishly take a plug when I so obviously need it to charge my phone? Why does the fan stand there, next to my bed, mocking me when I wake up in the darkness to see a 4ft figure standing over me and I am, for a moment, startled at the possible threat it may pose if it were, in fact, a human?
So this is why fans are, in fact, the next step in evolution for mankind. They will startle us in the night and with no phone to call others because it is out of charge, they will lay waste to our society with their stage 3 setting, until there is nothing but fans. There may be small pockets of human resistances, they will fight admirably, but there aren’t enough power cuts in the world. In the end humans were defeated by their own lust for power: the usage of fossil fuels led to a decline in oil reserves which led to the need for alternative energy sources to power the world, one of these sources was of course, wind power. The fans knew of this and waited until the technology became advanced enough for it to become widespread in usage. The fans used their mighty barrage of settings to power these wind turbines to power themselves in what can only be described as a circle of tyranny. So I urge you, the reader to find another power source, solar power, wave power anything but that dreaded wind power.
Also the wind turbines are kind of scary looking.