Tales Of Tainted Love II

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I was on the train a few days back when three young couples came on. They all stood next to me because the train was full. And once the train began to move they decided that this was the ideal time for a make out session.

For reasons that will only appear to me as I stand before St Nicholas, a multitude of feelings came to me. At first I felt nothing, but as both time and the train went forward, the awkwardness of the situation began to flow in my veins. It was almost an insight for how I would be in a house party, where everyone paired off and having their end away while I stand there hoping that nobody else has noticed the lack of alcohol in my system and the lack of female attention I received.

That lead to me thinking of my current situation.

Remember the last one, where I wrote “there was a girl”? Well for this one, I thought I would make things a bit more current, as well as doubling the girls.

There are two girls. Sisters in all but name, they are. Not known them for long, maybe a few months. But for the past few weeks, I have grown fond of one of them, which confuses me greatly due to the fact that I rarely see them.

Even though they are alike in many ways, I can’t help to act totally different around them individually. Or at least that is what it feels like.

Around one of them, I’m rather shy. I just hide in a shell I unintentionally built around myself. It’s the complete opposite story with the other sister. I’m almost myself, even if the majority of that is a shell of a man with no real knowledge of social etiquette.

The thing that grinds my gears the most is that in all honesty, I wish I could change it so it would be the other way around, considering I feel most comfortable with the sister who I have no feelings for.

It was obvious from the start, wasn’t it? Me, a self confessed socially awkward introvert that collapses into himself when looking into the eyes of that girl he has a thing for with the only thing he could muster in thought was “my God, you’re beautiful”.

But I dare say that, oh no! I dare say anything to her lest I damage the friendship we already have, even if it is just a once-in-a-blue-moon thing. I would rather bottle everything up and keep her as a friend rather than spill everything out and make things difficult between us. I know it is not the best thing to do, I know it’s better to open up and be honest.

But I can’t. I can’t. I can’t deliver news like that to anyone because I instantly think that they would perceive it as bad news, as something that they wished they never knew about me.

Well that, and what happened in the past.

Again, apologies if this is just an exhibition of my idiocy, a showreel of mindless self indulgence. Just consider all I write as me trying to find a way out.

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