Tales Of A Teetotal Teenager III

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You know it was Father’s day recently, right? I didn’t.

In all honesty, I didn’t see any need to celebrate the man I’m supposed to call Dad.

Harsh much? Not to me, it’s not.

From as early as I can remember, this man was an alcoholic. He was a man who seemed to care more about the whereabouts of cider than his own flesh and blood. One of my first memories of him is driving through town with the windows down, and he saw two women who barely had any clothes on.

The next thing I remember is going to a video rental shop. I had a packet of sweets, and he got out a video. After that, we went home and he put the video tape in the player and I started to see a man and a woman together. They went to bed. If you know what I mean.

He kicked me out of the room before I saw anything on the video, mind. Then again, I wouldn’t know what to do if I did, I was about three or four at the time.

He was the provider of my first taste of alcohol. I was six, he was drunk. We were at home, watching Emmerdale because Dave didn’t exist then. I saw a two-litre bottle sitting next to his chair. Me, thinking it was pop, asked him if I could have a bit. He, without thinking, said yes.

So, that’s what I did. I swigged a bit of the drink and wondered what was so special about it. I didn’t know it was the Devil’s nectar, I thought it was just fizzy apple juice.

The one and only alcoholic beverage that I have consumed was called The Old Somerset, and was a prominent feature in my house until about ten years ago. That was until he was banned for driving for a year for nearly running over a four year old girl whilst under the influence.

Ever since then, he’s been on tablets that will make him vomit up the Niagra Falls if he touches any form of alcoholic drink. Ever since then, he drinks non-alcoholic beers.

Back track a second. I was in school one day, talking to my friend about pointless things. My friend then said to me that gambling is hereditary. So, if my mother was a gambling addict, I have more of a chance of being one too.

I was not convinced. Many a “that’s a lie” and “no it’s not” was thrown between me and my friend. Luckily, we were in a biology lesson, so I asked the teacher if this was true. He said something on the lines of “to an extent, yes”.

While my friend reveled in being right, it made me think about this person I’m bound to call my father. He was drinking well before my or my siblings’ birth, I’m sure of it.

And what it seems to me is, he was an alcoholic for a large duration of my life. No matter how much I’d like to deny it, part of his genetics are inside me.

Not only that, but my father’s father was a smoker. I’m not sure if my father’s father’s father had an addiction for something, but it makes me question the unchangable.

I fear that, if I start to drink, I’ll be consumed by it all. I’d just be that man you see in town, lying on the floor, scrambling for any form of money to trade for drink. The man you see walking past a bin, sees that there’s a half-eaten bag of chips there, eats one, spits it out because it was horrible then heads to Bargain Booze to “take the taste away”.

And because of another male relative, I have a fear that if I decide to destroy my morals and fall into the peer pressure of drink, I will become an alcoholic. An aggressive one. One who’d mercilessly beat his wife and kids.

And that’s one of my biggest fears: losing control. If it means that I will live in a world of delusion for the rest of my life, I’d welcome it more than a world where I have no control of my actions.

I’ll end it here, before I start to regret writing it.

3 thoughts on “Tales Of A Teetotal Teenager III”

  1. WicidRhys says:

    These articles are awesome. The writing style you deploy is really effective and really well done. You have an effortless style that hits the reader hard but makes them want to read more, like being hit by a train and surviving. Keep these articles coming. Great stuff.

  2. Tyvott Yb Knivvott says:

    @Wicid Nan

    I’ve heard of them from school. I was talking more that addiction is heretitary, that my past gerenations’ need/want to gamble, drink or what have you has resulted in a change which ended with me being more likely to be hooked on alcohol than someone who has sober relatives through all generations. It’s a mixture of both I think.

    But I’ve never felt confident talking to osmeone in a company. Tried it once and I felt like I was just another number to them. Only way I can really say all these things is through a portal where I know nobody. That way, nobody I know will try to talk to me about it. I am not one for confrontation.

  3. Tyvott Yb Knivvott says:

    @Wicid Nan

    I don’t feel I need to talk to someone in Meic (I read about them on clice). I am not saying they don’t do a good job, I just feel more comfortable talking to either someone I trust fully (which at the moment in time there isn’t anyone really) or in a way where nobody I know would know it was me writing it. It is just the way I am.

    @crashdicoot

    Due to current living arrangements, I am living with my father, yet we don’t speak. In the process of moving, but things have not gone to plan, so my stay with my father is longer than I anticipated. We only speak when need be. In my eyes, he has done nothing of note to warrant me calling him “Dad”, and only call him “Father” simply as a title.

    I know that feeling. Everyone around me goes on about how great their fathers are and that their dad means the world to them during Father’s day, and I just stand there, feeling kind of ashamed about the way I feel towards the man who I see as a failure.

    The thing that worries me is that I know how I feel towards him, yet I wonder if my potential son or daughter will feel the same way when they are on the verge of adulthood. Will I be a good enough parent to them? Will I be worthy of being called “Dad”?

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