Ever Had A Weekend As Weird As This?

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On the weekend, I went shopping. It was brilliant! I got a magazine, a book, a movie and then I went to KFC and bought a bargain bucket. It had chicken in it –  at least I hope it was chicken.

I then went to Asda and bought some lemonade, I also bought a foosball table and then I saw Mike Tyson and he bought me a sandwich so that was my shopping trip.

Now, about the next day. It was even weirder, it started off when a dinosaur fell from the sky and gave me a box of doughnuts – then he tried to kill me with a pebble.

The pebble had Hugh Heffner’s signature on it so after disposing of the dinosaur’s body I went to interrogate Hugh Heffner.
 
He tried to bribe me with 4 bunnies but I refused and tried to negotiate with 10 million dollars and 8 bunnies but because Heffner is stupid he offered me a mansion, 12 million dollars and 10 bunnies. I immediately accepted and he took me for a ride to my new mansion.

The mansion was kitted out with all the games consoles ever made and in the bar Iron Maiden was playing continuously and the bartender was Kate Upton, the housekeeper was Selena Gomez and the groundskeeper was Chuck Norris because the weeds are scared of him.

My mansion had 44 bedrooms, it had its own chemistry lab, 12 kitchens, a disco hall and its own library and 39 bathrooms. It had a total of 26,000 DVD’s and 3,000 CD’s and 49,000 computer games. It also had a total of 99,999 costumes/outfits. The kitchen’s Head Chef was Gordon Ramsay and all of the MasterChef finalees.

My butler was David Tennant who drove a TARDIS to work. My personal hitmen were Agent 47 and a re-animated Ezio Auditore, my driver was Jason Statham but then I woke up and I did not have any of the listed above.

My breakfast was, then, a dry bagel.

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