Battle of anxiety

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Sitting there, panicing what they would think and say just for something you do or say. The content shaking and sweating. Crying over “silly things” that isn’t silly to you, not being able to cope, everything can get abit to much for me that I have to scream to let my stress out but the thing is I have to control it. I suffer with Autism to and that doesn’t help, low self esteem. I worry how I look, I look in that mirror and think “wow she is so ugly, you need to hide that face” so i put on makeup to cover how I look. My high self esteem is no where to be seen, its hiding from me and everyone, the only time I felt like a pretty princess was when I was younger playing with barbie dolls now i look at barbie and think “if only I looked that beautiful”

 

My friends and family don’t help much, I panic about them and want to make sure they are doing well. My sisters don’t seem to know that I yell at them sometimes because im scared if they will get hurt or get in trouble. Ill tell them to slow down when walking home from a day’s out so i know where they are and they are safe. I dont want to see them hurt, that would make me feel upset and its my fault, how would my parents trust me with my little baby sisters, one who has downs syndrome and one who might have ADHD. They mean the world to me, so do my friends who also have health issues like anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD, Autism and probably more, I dont seem to look after myself. You might as well call me the mother of the group. I love my family and friends and would protect them with all my heart. I wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt them, I’m way to loyal to my friends and family. If they get hurt I’ll go insane and attack whoever hurt them as I see my family and friends as my children, even if they are older than me. Anyone who bullies my friends and family I will chase after them and have some words. Last time I did that I was screaming, shaking as I didn’t mean it but it just happened because my family and friends mean so much to me.

 

Making friends with Autism and anxiety is very hard for me, that’s why you would probably see me on the yard talking to loads of different people talking as I don’t have a friend group, I rather sit alone and have my time to breath and relax, not to worry about others, its not like I don’t care about people I do its just sometimes I should give myself a break and relax but then the odd bully comes along and annoys me, tips water over my head on purpose but gets away with it as the school sees him as a little angel and I’m the little trouble maker for just trying to stand up for myself some times. Sometimes I just don’t see the point anymore so I bottle it up, let my parents mess around with that hot, warm bottle with all the things that makes me angry and upset. I don’t say anything because I’m scared if I will waste people’s time. My anxiety might as well be my evil twin, tells my secrets, makes fun of me, says I’m ugly and fat, tells me what I must and mustn’t do like

1. Don’t eat so much, your fat

2. Put makeup on your so ugly

3. Don’t say anything, they are probably too busy

4. They are up to something

5. They will say this or that

There is a lot i cant list all together buts the top 5 I can think of. Im trying my best but my anxiety is getting the best of me. Anxiety just seems to be there dancing in my head hitting buttons to make me stress so much that I cry and need someone to hug and tell me I’m okay and its not my fault. Im just got to keep learning

By Lillie

Age-14

Written- 7 November 2020

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