Twilight: A true stake in the heart of literature

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Reading is an excellent pastime, and I really am in my element when I am curled up under the covers with only the works of Thomas Harris or James Patterson for company. You can place any book in my hands and nine times out of ten I’ll not only read it, but love every letter. I used to spend my days wondering if there’d be a time where I’d find a book which I couldn’t stomach, and after many years of searching, I believe I have found one where I must draw the line.

Yes, the reason I have cracked open my trusty Laptop today is to talk to you about Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight. I’m sure you’ve all got that friend who likes to have a rant and a rave about this massive, bestselling stain on the world of literature. If you’re wise enough to be that friend, I salute you, and ask of you only this; please, spread the word, or else fear the loss of good literature forever.

I really would like to sit here and walk you through each individual step of the book, but I really do not have the time or the patience. However, for those of you who live blissfully unaware of this atrocity, I will make it my mission to condense the simple plot which Meyer managed to stretch into a grand total of 483 pages.

If you can sense a sarcastic or exasperated tone, please do not adjust your set.

Meyer’s Twilight is your basic love story. Protagonist Bella Swan (who, oddly enough, bears an uncanny resemblance our dear author) moves to a new school and falls in love with mysterious heart-throb Edward Cullen, who is secretly a vampire, along with all his dashing family members. I know what you’re thinking; the plot really isn’t that bad, is it? There is no wonder why it attracts pubescent adolescents over the world.
Please, I urge you to think again. Yes, the plot, in the hands of a good writer, has potential. For that reason, it is unfortunate that Twilight was born in the jumbled mind of a woman desperately trying to break into the all-time great authors; a woman who, sadly, fails to understand the concept of a character with depth. An author, who has the writing ability of a beaver, who’s sentences are made with big words and no meanings, who’s stories only have beginnings and ends. If you look carefully, you will be certain to find words that she has made up, and I’ve been told the first chapter alone has more than 100 grammatical errors.

You wouldn’t find that in a Harry Potter book. Anybody who even puts Twilight on the same shelf as Harry Potter insults me to the core; Harry Potter, a book about loyalty, friendship, trust, and good triumphing over evil, next to Twilight, a book about the importance of having a boyfriend?

Forgive me, for when in the depth of my rants, I tend to steer off-topic.
Yes, Bella Swan. I know us teens have a reputation for complaining, but I can honestly say I have never met anyone with as much to moan about as Bella. For the entire first chapter, our darling protagonist whines and grumbles and pouts in her truck, making for a very boring read indeed.
Meyer, I mean, Bella, arrives at her new school, becomes instantly popular, is asked out by three guys, and still manages to cycle into a dark depression (her words, not mine) when her biology partner, Edward Cullen, isn’t at lunch one day.

After reading small extracts of the book, I have come to the conclusion that Meyer never knew what it was like to be a teenager. Her ‘Little Miss Perfect’ Bella, new arrival at the school, is immediately in the eye of every guy, and being befriended by every girl (except for some girl named Lauren, who, as far as I can see, has no purpose in the story whatsoever). Is it just me, or should all good characters have some flaws? It seems to me that Miss Swan’s biggest flaw is being too perfect, which is something to hate, on top of everything else that is going wrong in her life.
Bella hates being in Forks; she hates snow; she hates boys asking her out, yet she hates that she’s never had a boyfriend; she hates it when Edward is there, yet she hates it when he’s not. The girl is a giant oxymoron, and I’m fairly certain that the reader is supposed to hate her; otherwise it wouldn’t be quite so important that she’s a whiney little fart who talks like an old woman caught in a Dickens novel.

I think I’ll move on, as this is fast becoming an article on why the world should hate Bella Swan. I’ll try to tone it down a tad.

Next on the agenda is our dark, handsome, and somewhat perverted male role. Edward Cullen, Mr Perfect, has found his other half. This is hardly surprising, as they are the only two perfect people in the whole of existence. Cullen protects his lovely mortal crush, by being a big meanie and making her cry in her truck. This all ends when Bella finds out he’s a vampire, which she just seems to accept. You know, because you meet vampires every day in this day and age. He then proceeds to tell her he likes to creep into her house and watch her sleep every night. Rather than freaking her out, this seems to impress our Bella, for reasons completely unknown to me. Maybe that’s just because I’m not perfect enough to understand their world?

Then that’s pretty much where I got bored. I know there’s a dog in there somewhere, as I was foolish enough to be tricked into watching New Moon; the film where nothing happens, and ends with Cullen trying to kill himself by, wait for it, sparkling. Your eyes aren’t failing you, vampires do sparkle now.
Well, this is a new addition to the Vampire stories we all know and love. Somebody let Bram Stoker know, he missed out that important detail when writing one of the greatest gothic novels of all time.

Basically, by writing this book, Meyer has taken all of the great Vampire stories to have graced our shelves, and vomited all over them. Now, whenever anybody hears the word ‘vampire’, they think of the hottie Edward Cullen, with his colour-changing eyes, sparkling body, and ability to avoid the temptation of ripping his love to shreds. I’m sure the writers of Dracula, An Interview with A Vampire, The Lost Boys and Let the Right One In would be spinning in their graves. You better watch your back, Meyer; these vampires aren’t nearly as tolerant as your beloved Edward, and to any reader with an ounce of respect, they’ll live a lot longer too.

1 thought on “Twilight: A true stake in the heart of literature”

  1. Ollys_Direction says:

    I had preview copy of Twilight sent to me when it first came out as I’m apart of Sugarscape’s Book Club and I really couldn’t get into the book. It was just soooo boring! I agree completely with how you describe Bella. She irritated me to hell and back. Then Edward the obviously-a-fairy-in-disguise-but-is-too-afraid-to-admit-it twit really got on my nerves.

    The films were just as bad. I was forced to watch it in English last year as my English teacher is a Twi-hard. *Shudders*. It made me think that Robert Pattinson is some soppy numpty. I feel ashamed that I have his, Taylor Lautner & Kristin Stewart’s autographs within my house- thankfully, they are a only a present for my friend, Gemma, or I’d ebay it.

    The thing that annoys me the most about this whole saga thing is that every $1,000 Meyer makes on it, she donates to an Anti Gay charity. When I found that out, I was really cheesed off. What have they ever done to her? I mean, it’s not a disease or anything! They’re the same as us as are people with different skin colours, hair colours, disabilities, anything! And what about her gay fans? I’d be crushed if my hero (which we all know is Miley) slammed something about me. (Though, she hasn’t. If anything, she’s supported things about me. She’s a good person if you get to know her… oops, I’m rabbiting on… I’ll stop). That’s what really put me off Twilight altogether.

    I love your article, by the way! It’s really good ><

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